I’m glad I can understand a little better now and give my grandson some space. I keep a bedroom free for him with curtains closed so he can have some down time when he wants.
Grandparent’s perspective
My granddaughter has made me a better person.
Grandparent’s perspective
When my daughter first talked to me about autism I didn’t know what it was. I didn’t understand the problem. She wasn’t in Pakistan and I thought its because other countries don’t understand children. All children speak late. There were several people like that in the family. And all children don’t listen. It was my daughter’s first child and I thought it was normal. Then they came to stay over the summer and I realised that my grandson was different. I couldn’t explain it but I knew he was. I didn’t know how to make friends with him. All the things that my other grand children enjoy- food, TV, going out- he didn’t. I watched him for a long while and then tried to do the things he liked doing. He loved going out on the swing in the garden. That’s what we started doing together. After a month, he would come, take my finger and lead me into the garden to swing. That became our time together. That is how we became friends.
Grandparent’s perspective
How to support the family
Provide support to the parents during the diagnosis stage
Going through and accepting the diagnosis of autism will be a difficult time period for the parents and larger family. Every parent will react differently but during the initial stages it will feel like a grieving process and sometimes they will look for something or someone to blame. As a grandparent you can acknowledge these feelings. If you respond positively you can also help the parents and extended family members adjust to the situation.
Avoid blame
You will also need time to process your own emotions about the diagnosis. Like parents you may also need to find something or someone to blame. This can be a natural reaction. However, it is important to remember that there are currently no known causes of autism except that genetics plays a role. The parents may be experiencing feelings of guilt and blame as part of their grieving process and your reactions may add to these feelings. These negative feelings will prevent parents from accepting the diagnosis and finding ways to support their child.
Don’t avoid the topic
Every family will process the diagnosis differently. You may feel that the best thing to do is not to talk about it for fear of upsetting the parents or anyone else in the family. You may feel like you don’t know enough about autism and you don’t want to say the wrong thing. While it is not important to force the topic, it is important to surface it when the time is right with the parents so they don’t feel you have not accepted the diagnosis. Your positive response to the diagnosis will help the whole family adjust.
Offer practical help
Your child’s marriage and mental health need as much attention as does your grandchild. You can offer practical help: providing food; looking after your grandchild or looking after siblings.
Follow the parents
Grandparents may not always agree with the children’s parenting approaches. If you are the grandparent of an autistic child however, the routine and structure set by the parents may be very important for your grandchild. When looking after your grandchild follow the diet, bedtimes, routines and communication guidelines set by the parents. The change from routine may be too much for your grandchild and they may struggle to cope.
Play with siblings
So often, life at home is centered on the child with special needs that siblings can get overlooked Special days away or planned activities with your other grandchildren may give be an opportunity for them to get individual attention.
Do not attempt to “fix” your grandchild
You may think based on your experience of raising children that you are able to “fix” your grandchild. This may be their “autism” overall or any of the symptoms e.g. any tantrums. Autism is a complex neurological condition with no known cure. There are no “easy fixes”.
Do attempt to understand your grandchild
What you can do is understand your grandchild, their needs and interests. The more you understand them the more you will be able to develop an independent relationship with them. Learn. Laugh. Have fun.
Love, love and more love
All children sense love and belonging. This is no less true of autistic children. You will be an important and special source of love in their lives and later on, advice and guidance. Make it count.
5 Practical tips for grandparents
Avoid blame