Mom to two, Maryam writes and designs for a living, while trying to support other moms who are helping their kids through communication delays and is behind Speech Delay Mamas
Maryam what did you think parenthood would be like before you had children?
I’ll be very honest, I never thought of myself as someone who has that nurturing, motherly nature. I am an introvert and not very open to showing affection (even though I might be brimming with it). I had this nagging fear that maybe I won’t be such a good mom. To counter that feeling, I prepared myself by reading up all I could about child psychology and positive parenting. I was hoping that knowledge would make up for the natural parenting instinct that I felt was missing in me. In a way I had acknowledged that parenting would be hard for me but I was determined to do the best I could.
What was the reality of being a parent?
The reality was surprisingly different. Even though I had conceived immediately after getting married, the first year was an absolute breeze. S was a delightful baby, he was happy and friendly and was a joy to be around. He was 13 months old when his sister was born, and even then there wasn’t the jealousy I had anticipated. I would say I had it very easy, even with two kids back to back. A huge credit to my support system, my parents and in-laws who were always there to help.
What was your experience of having a child who didn’t reach the milestones that his peers were?
S was 18 months old when I first realized he wasn’t talking as much as his peers. There was ‘baba’ ‘mama’ and a few words like ‘car’ and ‘ball’, but that was pretty much it. I remember posting on a Facebook mom group about this, but most of the moms said that I was worrying for no reason because, ‘he wasn’t even two’ and ‘boys talk late’. That is the biggest regret I have, that false sense of, ‘oh everything will be fine with time,’ waiting for things to get better. It wasn’t until he was 2.6 years and my younger daughter was already stringing three to four words together at 1.5 that we realized maybe things would not get better on their own. We went through a series of assessments and finally found out that the delay was caused by moderate hearing loss.
What reaction did you get from friends, family, the community?
No one mentioned his delay. Ever. There were off- handed comments about how boys talk late, but no one really ever said anything. So I guess we were lucky. There was this one relative visiting from abroad, a doctor, who actually made us spring to action. He arranged for us to meet a specialist and sort of set the ball rolling.
What was the best piece of advice you received during this time and from who?
There was a brief period (a month or so) when we had to come to terms with an autism misdiagnosis. That period was tough, not only for obvious reasons, but because it put a wedge between my husband and I, mainly because we had very different ways of dealing with the development. At this point, there were two people who really helped me get clarity. Isbah and Sonia are two moms who I have always admired for their parenting skills. And both of them told me that my child needed a very strong advocate, and that would have to be me. They told me that I needed to be a warrior through this journey, and that I also needed to take care of my own self. They literally built me up and I can’t thank them enough for all the support.
What advice would you give to any parent who is going through the same challenges right now
Research. Read, talk to people, visit places that can help. The more you research, the better equipped you will be to deal with things. In Pakistan, parents literally have to fend for themselves, there are no clear roadmaps to help tell you what to do next. Clear your mind of denial and self doubt. Focus. Things will fall into place.
Tell us about Speech Delay Mamas Pakistan
Speech Delay Mamas Pakistan was born out of frustration. Whenever I see a post about mom who is worried about her child’s speech and language development, there are always numerous comments that tell her not to worry, he’ll speak when he turns 5 and so on. These comments drown out the select few that advise on getting help. I wanted to create a community where instead of being told not to worry, moms would get solutions. I also noticed how a lot of moms were not sure on how they could help their kids at home, while they were waiting for or during therapy. So Speech Delay Mamas Pakistan also offers some basic strategies that moms can start applying at home to facilitate the therapy process. We have a lot of therapists on board, as well as experienced moms, who give great advice. There is a lot of support and a general atmosphere of love and goodwill. It warms my heart when moms tell me the group has changed their lives and the way they work with their children.
What are features of our (Pakistani) communities that you think help support a child who follows a different development pathway than his or her peers?
Having a close knit family helps most of the times, if they are positive and supportive. Our kids need good models around them and there is nothing better than having loving adults help them through delays.
What are the challenges?
Lack of awareness in our communities, maybe. We still have a long way to go in explaining to the general population that sometimes children do need help and there is nothing wrong in getting it for them. Financial constraints are a problem for many too. Assessments and therapies are expensive and not everyone can afford to keep them up consistently.
What would you like to see change in our communities in the next 5 years and ideas on how we get there?
I would like to see therapy normalise. Somehow our community members are still very reluctant when it comes to therapy for speech and occupational needs. We need to talk about it more, professionals and parents both. We need to have open discussions on how it is not normal for children to not be speaking till they are 3 or older.
What do you do to support/inspire/renew yourself?
Oh I need my me-time! Jigsaw puzzles are my current thing. I also read and write to help refresh my mind.
